Things I’ve learned since moving to Europe and moving back home…
… written by a Christian-girl who hasn’t always got it right (but still tries) while on the plane headed HOME.
1. Typing as if I am talking is more interesting than following the rules. It’s ok (for me) to start sentences with “but” and “and” and use “very” and “ok” a lot. (I might even use the same word twice in a sentence once or twice and use parentheses a little too often.)
2. It’s pretty sad that 75% of Americans don’t have a passport. There’s a huge world out there and once the travel bug has bitten, I’ll never be satisfied. People, places, food and cultures have so much to teach us! Visiting places like Ireland, Holland, South Africa, Italy, France and Spain are now a part of who I am. Experiencing Easter Sunday service in Notre Dam in Paris with the biggest organ I’ve ever seen piping out Amazing Grace, drinking wine in Bordeaux, exploring castles in England while imagining life in full swing in their glory, all the while meeting unique and dear (and not-so-dear) people along the way have left an unexplainable impression in my heart. Next up? Not sure because Keith and I are still negotiating. Obviously we have the great US of A to explore now for Keith’s benefit and the Rockies will be one of my first requests for “Show and Tell” tour. However, I won’t be able to rest until I’ve relaxed in Greece, gone back to Spain (the south this time), drank a beer in Belgium, touched the Berlin wall and taken a bike ride in Nepal.
3. Everything is better in God’s timing. (Ok, still learning this one in some areas.) But I’ve included it in this list because, three years after his proposal, I’m still grateful to God every day for giving me Keith. He was more than worth the wait and I’ve never felt more loved by anyone other than my parents. He is my knight, my friend, my travel buddy and I don’t know what I’d do without him. Now, I just have to learn patience for other things like Keith’s visa, settling into our new home and starting a family, getting a puppy and, of course, more travel.
4. Without your health (and God, of course) you have nothing. Lots of filtered water, raw fruits and vegetables and exercise are a MUST. And everyday. Not just when you feel like it. That, and eliminating tap water, caffeine and refined sugar, flour and rice!
5. Healthy food doesn’t have to be boring. A little bit of planning and time management can result in affordable meals and snacks that are so tasty they turn one into a wanna-be “foodie.”
6. Living simply = freedom. (And less to clean!) Long gone are the days of clutter and keeping things incase I need them someday. If I don’t use it, I get rid of it. Except, of course, family heirlooms. I don’t use my great-grandmother’s wedding china but will never get rid of it. However, the collection of 10¢ vases I’ve collected from garage sales over the years that have no sentimental meaning whatsoever can go.
7. The days of cheap wine and beer are long gone. It is much better to indulge less frequently in better quality treats.
8. Love many but trust few. Get all agreements in writing, even if you are foolish enough to believe you are friends. Even a quick and friendly confirmation in an email should usually suffice. Our landlord scammed us out of most of our security deposit when we left England. We trusted her and her memory of some verbal agreements. We did everything right by never missing a month’s rent, being considerate and quiet neighbors, giving enough notice of our departure and a desperate effort to leave the place better than we got it. We weren’t asking for any special treatment or favors. Just fairness. We had a great time being tenants and even friends and foolishly trusted that she would treat us how we believe we treated her and her family. We lived and learned. But trust me, this will only happen to me once. Once is a mistake. Twice makes me a fool.
9. Don’t publish or send things right away. Save and sleep on it. (Or let your husband proof it first.)
10. Distance (i.e. the Atlantic Ocean!) can be an amazing thing that provides valuable clarity and freedom.
11. “Family isn’t who’s blood you share but who you care about.” Blood is not thicker than water, but rather poisonous at times. Some of my friendships have been healthier and stronger than some relationships with some family. Family can hurt deeper than any other friendship. And the cake-topper is, others won’t defend or hold people accountable in the name of “grace” or maybe because they are just glad it’s not them. (Still not understanding that. Guess I have more to learn.) Learning that blood is not thicker than water leads me to #12…
12. Let go and get on with life. (Actually, I’m still learning this, too). I’m still an idealist who wants a story-book “normal” extended family with no drama between people I love and miss dearly. But I’m not holding my breath and wasting my life waiting. I will make a new one with dear friends and my prince. I will be free and happy in the knowledge that I’ve done what I can to rectify relationships and the ball isn’t in my court. It’s ok to let go and move on now. I actually feel pity for those who dwell in their bitternesss. It ages them quickly and causes them to miss out on so much happiness. I won’t let that be me. Moving on is not synonymous with un-forgiveness. I can forgive people that have hurt me and move on with my life.
13. Healthy and long-lasting relationships are a two-way street. Adult children are perfectly able have a mutually beneficial relationship with their parents. Parents give a little. We give a little. Everyone’s happy and all grown up. It’s done my heart well to be able to serve my parents this summer in return for all they have done for me. I hope I can repay them because this summer was just a drop in the bucket. Friendships with peers are also healthiest and most rewarding when mutually beneficial. Even in tough times, I have learned that I need to try to find the strength to give back. Like babysit little cousins even when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. Why? Because they’ve done so much for me and serving them makes me feel a little bit better, too.
14. I still need to reach out, give and be a light to others even if they don’t give back. But it’s also ok to invest in only a few one-way relationships in the name of grace, mercy and love. We don’t have to stretch ourselves too thin and end up a doormat for every single person in our lives. Obviously, I need to be honest and true to everyone I meet, but it’s ok to have boundaries and distance yourself from those who drain you. It’s ok to expect some to help themselves if they have the resources and abilities to do so. It’s ok to refuse to be blamed for others’ victim-mindsets. Despite lies told to my mother by extremists during our cancer nightmare, Jesus did not heal everyone He came into contact with and I don’t believe He expects the same of us. Balance is necessary. Otherwise, the pressure is just too much to bear. Oh, and you can’t help people who refuse to help themselves. Find them at another time when they are ready to work at it, too.
15. Be honest with people. Being awkward and distant don’t achieve anything because people can’t read your mind. If you have something to say, say it in a calm, adult manner and deal with it. After all, this is Biblical, yes? We have a friend who has quite randomly started acting very distant and awkward and, for the life of us, we cannot remember anything that could’ve lead to this. If this person was honest with us, we could try to rectify the situation.
16. Love does not equate to timidity. Challenging something does not mean you don’t have grace. I can be honest in a loving way and still have grace. To confront an issue doesn’t mean I don’t have love or grace. Obviously, prayerful timing and tactics are necessary, but let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater!
17. Money doesn’t buy happiness and I usually tire quickly of splurges and unnecessary purchases leaving me only wanting the “next” thing. Immediate gratification is a lie from credit card companies and advertisers. What gives real peace (besides God, of course) is the freedom of being debt-free, saving and saying no to impulses. The purchases that are more meaningful are usually the ones that were planned and saved for in advance.
18. It’s ok to save money and not feel guilty about it. I tithe and am very generous as God leads us, but it’s also ok to protect our future. Other people’s choices, bad luck or bad decisions are not my fault nor my obligation to fix or make-up for. I’m actually incredibly proud of Keith’s and my financial discipline and would love to share more with you one-on-one. (We became “money coaches” for a ministry in England and taught classes on budgeting. We’re proper nerds now and loving it!)
19. Keith and I are our family now. While our extended family mean the world to us and we make the best effort we can to have quality time and relationships with them, we are both number one to each other now. We will fiercely protect at least one week a year for a vacation alone and will be proud of that. We will have a date night once a week and not answer our phones or emails. We will love our extended family, but will be honest with them when we can’t meet their expectations or desires. And that’s ok because our marriage comes first and is hard work. We are just starting our lives together and, to give just one example, can’t afford to give all of our vacation days (thus increased travel expenses cutting into saving for our future) to everyone else and not keep some for ourselves.
20. Putting other people’s needs first isn’t synonymous with being a martyr. I will strive to put Keith’s needs before my own, but will let him make mine a priority and not feel selfish about that. Also, if someone asks my opinion or desires and it isn’t unreasonable, it’s ok to speak up without being selfish. For example, let’s say I’m working together on a meal with others and I’m asked to make up some tuna salad for sandwiches. If I do it my way (remember, there is usually more than one way of doing things) and it isn’t satisfactory to the majority, instead of eating three times as much mayonnaise as is reasonably healthy, it is perfectly ok for me to ask to keep my small portion aside before “fixing” it. I haven’t always done this because, believe it or not, I don’t want to be difficult and want others to like me. But I’m learning that honesty, confidence and compromise don’t equal selfishness. I can be “others-centered” and still respectfully speak up for myself.
21. Similar to flight instructions to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others, taking care of yourself is a must. It’s not selfish. It’s ensuring you are healthy enough to take care of others. Enjoy crafts, a hobby, reading or a sport. Do something that refreshes you. Invest in your relationship with your Savior. Otherwise, you’re no good to others, anyway. I’ve been there and done that and it wasn’t good.
22. It’s necessary for me to have friendships with people who aren’t just like me. I keeps me accountable to my beliefs all the while learning more about theirs. It makes my stomach turn when I ask Christians how many non-Christian friendships they have and they can’t answer. And by friendships, I mean two-way streets where you need them as much as they need you, they seek you out as much as you pursue them, you enjoy dinner together, etc. By friendships, I do not mean “projects” or “ministry.” I mean equals.
23. Perhaps the most important things I’ve learned: time isn’t a guarantee. Tell others you love them. And often. Even if they’ve hurt you. I always found it hard to tell my parents I love them and really don’t know why as they haven’t hurt me deeply. Friends throughout my life have always been jealous of me. I’ve even used them as examples for “near-perfect parents” in my roles working with teen parents in New York or as a social worker in England doing parenting work with struggling parents but have never been able to easily tell them that in person. Hearing news that your Mom has mere weeks left to live changes all that. Don’t let the same happen to you. Learn from my mistakes.
In summary: Love others. Give generously. Serve when you can. Save money. Be healthy. Let go. Move on. Take care of yourself. Keep learning. Have fun… LIVE.
P.S. The number of my “things I’ve learned” was just a coincidence. But since it’s number synonymous with basketball, my teenage idol Michael Jordan and some of the best memories of my life with my teammates, I think it’s pretty significant. I think of the number 23 and I think of hard work, discipline and tons and tons of laughter until you pee. (Love you girls!)
