Disclaimer: My loving and servant-hearted mother and husband do not know I’m writing this and have not endorsed it. This is from me and only me.
I’ve been writing this “article” in my head for a few weeks now. (I put “article” in quotes because I don’t have anywhere to submit it… yet. I’d like to!) Every time I experience another situation described below, I think to myself, “I’ve really got to write that down before I forget!” And trust me, all of these happen on a much-too-frequent basis.
People aren’t stupid… they just don’t think. Well, some of them don’t. There have been true angels in our lives this last year – those who we don’t hesitate to describe as “people we couldn’t have survived without.” But it’s not the people I would’ve expected… that’s the weird thing. Nice for them, but disappointing for the people I would’ve thought.
Ok… back to the topic at hand. Here are five things I beg you to remember when interacting with someone experiencing difficult times.
- Don’t complain about your trivial problems. We really don’t care that your house hasn’t sold in this bum economy when doctors have given us a “timeline” on my mom’s life. We really don’t care even more that you are stuck in traffic and late for a meeting. My dad just spent his entire life savings (AKA: Retirement!) on saving my Mom. And the battle isn’t even over. Please be grateful for the blessings God has given you! You have no idea how much worse it could be!
- ACT NORMAL. Have normal conversations with us. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE limit your counseling, preaching, teaching emails to one out of every ten. We’re sometimes really tired of talking about us, so please balance out your questions with updates on YOU. Talk about your kids, your dog, whatever!
- Give advice only when asked. There’s a time and place for everything and some of us are people pleasers and will feel guilty if we don’t follow your advice. Unsolicited advice is just annoying.. all of it. Even how to bake a cookie “your way.” But when it’s about life and death situations – that’s pretty irresponsible when you aren’t a doctor. How would you feel if someone you loved followed your treatment advice and it didn’t work out? It’s a whole lot different when it’s your own body. Or your Mom. So, back off and let her decide what to do with her own body.
- Stop the guilt trips. “You didn’t do this” or “You forgot to send me this” or “You don’t call me enough” (as if you can’t call yourself!) is just plain selfish and insensitive when it’s directed to someone who just strives to keep their head above water and breathe. It’s all we can do lately to make sure we’re eating healthy and the house is clean enough to prevent getting sick when white blood cell counts are low. Adding pressure, guilt and more responsibility just creates a divide… do you want that?
- When visiting – don’t create more work. Reduce it. (That one is pretty much self-explanatory.)
That’s it. (For now.) I’m sure I’ll think of more. And, before you get all huffy-puffy… this isn’t directed at one person in particular. It’s a culmination of hundreds interactions I’ve had these last 18 months with well-meaning, but thoughtless people. If I can help educate you just a little bit from someone on the “inside,” maybe the next person won’t get so frustrated.
“What should I do,” you ask? I realize the majority of the things mentioned above are things not to do. Start with short encouraging messages (not long sermons, please! Remember – you really have no idea what we’re going through so your counseling sessions sound a bit pompous). Come visit and just sit with Mom. Offer to wipe out her fridge. Figure your own tea/snack out so she doesn’t have to get up. Bring Dad something to eat. Send us updates on your kids’ sports seasons or your puppy’s mischievousness.
And pray.
Well said dear little Becky….love you xxx